Exclusive interview with the two-headed shark

As an observer of the sea and its life, I always want to report on the latest ocean stories while they’re hot. Yesterday the media learned that a fisherman had found a two-headed pre-term bull shark (Carcharhinus leucas). Realizing that it had a most unusual perspective on the world, I managed to obtain the shark’s cell phone number and recorded the following interview.

EN: How do you want to be addressed?
Bull shark: We agreed to come out as what we are.  Heads matter more than bodies or tails, so we want to be addressed as SarahJean.
EN: How does it feel to be a shark?
Sarah: Fantastic.  I wasn’t actually born before making my media debut, but I can tell you it’s so cool watching other marine life running for cover!  I’m going love being an apex predator.

Adult bull sharks are apex predators
Photo by Michael AW

EN: Jean, how do you feel about being a shark?
Jean: With all due respect to my sister, it’s scary.  While in utero, I read that people kill huge numbers of sharks — between 63 million and 273 million per year.
EN: Bull sharks are among the most dangerous sharks to humans.  What would you like as your first meal?
Sarah: I’m really fond of fish, I admit.  I’ve heard flatfish are tasty.  I’m going to love young skates and rays, and I’ve heard that lionfish are delicious too.  Very exotic!  I’ll have a taste for carrion too.
EN: What about people?
Sarah: Too much trouble.  The rubber and metal are bad for my teeth.  And you guys are really vengeful.  Do you have any idea how many idiots think the actions of a few sharks makes us all bad?
Jean: I don’t eat people; eating people is wrong. In fact I don’t know what to eat any more.  So many things have been overfished now, or are caught and discarded by trawlers and longliners that I can’t decide what to eat.  What do you eat?
EN: Please!  I’m the one who asks the questions; you’re the story.  But since you asked, I eat only sustainable seafood. 
Jean: Are we safe now, or are we going to wind up as dried fins in China?
EN: I wish I could answer that.  I wish I could.
Elliott Norse, Founder and Chief Scientist, Marine Conservation Institute


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